Do you know why you get most upset and reactive inside of your personal relationships?
There are three rings in our lives. The outer ring
In the beginning of a relationship, we spend time evaluating whether we want to allow the potential partner to enter our inner ring. After some time passes, we decide to make a commitment and invite them to become a resident. Once there, our partner will invariably begin to poke holes in the walls of our bunker. Once holes are opened, the negative energy inside is released in the form of reactivity. Reactivity is the release of negative emotional energy exhibited by inappropriate, destructive and toxic words, actions and behaviors. This explains why our worst behavior traits roam wild inside of a committed relationship.
After some time passes, the little holes become bigger and more and more of the toxic energy is released. As the holes become larger, the Relationship Killer WABs ? words, actions and behaviors - become more frequent and intense. At one point your partner may have been a little standoffish, then sometimes they were robotic and now they resemble an ice cube. Or, maybe you affectionately remember in the beginning of the relationship your partner was a little emotional, then they sometimes had angry outbursts and now they are a raging lunatic.
One day you look at your partner and say to them, “You are not the person I married. You are like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Where is the sweet, giving, caring person who used to look at me with a twinkle in their eyes and treat me with love?? This is when a relationship enters into the Cycle of Conflict, bombs begin to explode and feelings of safety are lost. This is when we inflict emotional damage; to each other, ourselves and the relationship. This is when the erosion of trust, respect and admiration become reinforced with negative perspectives and attitudes. This is when the relationship slides further and further down into a dark, scary and painful abyss.
As we merrily experience life, we begin to accumulate more and more of these weapons. As we become older, we refine our skills and become marksmen. Now, this is where it gets interesting. The Relationship Killer WABs that are stored inside our fortified bunker are the same reactive behaviors we used as children growing up and also the same behaviors our primary care givers used on us when we where kids. We learned well, my friend and stored up the ammunition just so we could fire our weapons of choice toward the lucky person we love whom we chose to spend the rest of our life with.
Now, here is a key point to understand about bunkers. Once reactivity is released from the bunker inside the inner circle, it eventually permeates the second ring and finally, the third ring thereby affecting all of our relationships.
I know for myself that I used to have a bunker more fortified then one of those German bunkers protecting the shores of Normandy. I stuffed and hide all of my past wounds, fears, distorted perspectives and unrealistic expectations inside of it. And let me tell you, I had an armory filled with my favorite Relationship Killer WABs.
Okay, now we understand that we have this bunker, what do we do next? How do we stop allowing the negative energy from causing conflict in our relationships in all three areas of our lives? Great question! The answer is we have to learn how to become emotionally intelligent. And do you want to know how to begin to accomplish this feat.
- Begin by allowing your partner to hold up a mirror to you and do not knock it out their hands ? choose to listen and not become defensive.
- Look within, crumble, become humble and break through your denials ? choose to own and change or defend and blame.
- Be radically honest with yourself, your partner and own your reactivity ? take absolute personal responsibility without conditions or qualifications.
- Listen at a deep level and allow your partner to have influence ? make a conscious choice to give them the BOD, the benefit of the doubt.
- Place yourself in your partner’s shoes and see the world through their eyes ? do not make it about you and allow yourself to see new perspectives.
- Surrender to the power of awareness, be present in the moment and give unselfishly and unconditionally to your partner ? let go of the pain of the past and anxiety of the future to give without obligations or expectations for anything in return.
- And finally, as always, continue to learn, stretch, grow, mature and change ? be inspired to take massive action no matter what others say or do.
This is how to begin to dismantle your emotional bunker, free yourself from your self-imposed prison and quiet your gremlin. This is how you begin to cross your bridge and achieve the ultimate goal ? two peaceful soul’s who are best friends during the day, lovers at night and partners for life.
So, the question from the journey is: What do you need to do or stop doing to begin to dismantle your bunker, get out of your own way and continue the journey to become emotionally intelligent?
To read previous issues of Notes from the Journey , click on the following link:
http://www.i-to-we-relationship-coaching.com/Notes-from-the-Journey.html
©2008 ? All rights reserved ? Glenn Cohen - “I-TO-WE? Coaching / www.i-to-we-coaching.com
About the author
Glenn Cohen is a certified coach and the author of The Journey from “I-TO-WE?. He coaches individuals, couples and works with companies across the country and conducts workshops, speeches, seminars and trains coaches, healthcare professionals, religious counselors, and corporations on the use of his program. You may contact him at 843-852-9828 or his website, http://www.i-to-we-coaching.com/
Tags: behavior traits, committed relationship, emotional baggage, emotional energy, emotional pains, family members, fears, friends and family, little holes, negative energy, personal relationships, personality, professional relationships, reactivity, relationship killer, relationships with others, standoffish, surprise, three rings, toxic waste
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